The List

8 Boneable Skeletons

Today's column is inspired by Kunihiko Ikuhara who, when conceptualizing and creating Sarazanmai, no one told him 'no, you can't do that.' In that same vein, I bring you skeleton characters rated by sexual appeal. I pitched this idea fully expecting someone to say "Lynzee, this is ridiculous." That did not happen and now this exists. A list of skeletons and whether or not I recommend them for potential bone action.

It's been almost eight years since I began writing this column and you all thought you knew me. Ha. This isn't even my final form.

Over Justice (Space Patrol Luluco)

A loud skeleton with a flaming head, Over Justice is the Space Patrol General Manager. He expects strict adherance to his sense of justice and will punish anyone that crosses the line for even the smallest infractions. Pros:

• Can get extremely hot
• Can transform into alternate, non-human forms
• Probably a leather daddy

Cons:

• He's a cop, but possibly a more responsible INFERNO COP??
• Inability to see a moral grey area
• Probably the worst at pillow talk

Recommendation: Okay to bone but do not reveal too much about yourself and don't give him your phone number.

Admiral Perry (Space Dandy)

The ruler of the Golgol Empire, his goal is to capture Space Dandy and finally win his empire's war against the Jaicro Empire. He employs a talking ape with a wig and a string bean looking alien to carry out this mission. He can be found in his personal spaceship, a large cruiser shaped like a gagged Statue of Liberty.
Pros:

• Ruler of an entire empire, would probably blow stuff up for you
• Would get to visit exotic space vacation locales
• Probably too busy to bother you

Cons:

• Is notoriously cheap
• Possibly impossible to bone in skeleton form since everything below the head is a space-like void
• Is actually Google co-founder Larry Page

Recommendation: Don't bone. He's a fascist space dictator parodying all the worst aspects of American Imperialism and capitalism.

Skull Knight (Berserk)

A self-proclaimed fighter of all demons and 1,000 years old. A hero that knows what has happened and what is likely to happen. Rides a cool horse.
Pros:

• His vast experience on the Earth means he probably knows how to do all kinds of freaky stuff.
• Despite his intimidating appearance, he fights on behalf of good.
• Cool, dark, and mysterious

Cons:

• All that foresight means he's inevitably a huge downer and pedantic about the "bigger picture"
• Cannot bone if he never gets off the damn horse
• His ex is a witch that could easily kill you

Recommendation: Bone but do not stick around.

Ainz Ooal Gown (Overlord)

A skeleton lord that's earned quite a few titles since his human player counterpart found himself trapped in a gaming world. He's amassed a fortune, loyal subjects, all-power spells, and is an accomplished adventure. He's like the fantasy version of Ronan Farrow.

Pros:

• All the bonuses of dating an extremely wealthy noble.
• Thoughtful and philosophical, his intellect makes him a great conversationalist
• Actually has some appealing dad qualities

Cons:

• Has never shown any particular interest in romance
• Albedo will try and thwart any attempts to woo Ainz
• Lacks spontaneity

Recommendation: If you can worm your way into his skeleton heart, prepare to rule the world with Ainz.

Death Gun (Sword Art Online II)

Technically an avatar used by multiple players of Gun Gale Online, for the sake of brevity we're going to focus on Death Gun's primary creator to evaluate boneability. The avatar itself is a sniper within the MMO shooter with the ability to kill players in real life after shooting them in the game.
Pros:

• Absolutely zero

Cons:

• Real-life counterparts (and brothers) basically doxxed some people and started murdering them when one guy recommended a poor player build.
• Attempted to sexually assault/drug/murder a female player
• Bland looking mofo

Recommendation: Do not bone, do not pass "GO", do not collect $200

Brook (One Piece)

The Straw Hats' resident musician, Brook is an experienced pirate that can accomplish feats that no living person could ever attempt. He is fast, agile, and a skilled swordsman. He's always up for a laugh but has an overall respectful demeanor for a pirate.
Pros:

• Rejects cruelty wherever he sees it
• A man of culture, he enjoys good food and good music (the latter he can provide himself)
• Beautiful, bountiful hair

Cons:

• Unless you want a pirate life, he's got pretty limited availability
• He's probably going to try to collect some panties when you're not around
• That laugh

Recommendation: If you fancy yourself an enthusiastic skeleton Casanova that can serenade you one evening and be gone the next, go for it.

Elias (The Ancient Magus' Bride)

Elias is an ancient being of unknown origin that, despite some social difficulties, has become a highly accomplished mage. He lives in a quaint cottage in England with his child bride apprentice Chise, Silky, and Ruth.
Pros:

• Can coach you through magic and help reveal your inner strengths
• Weirdly adorable when he parts his mouth open while in thought or surprised
• His human form is also hot

Cons:

• Emotionally manipulative and controlling
• No seriously, he'll get jealous and murder your friends
• Might be a Wendigo

Recommendation: DO NOT BONE EVEN A LITTLE BIT

Honda-san (Skull-face Bookseller Honda-san)

Just a low-key skeleton trying to live a peaceful life at his bookstore job and make all of his customers as happy as possible.
Pros:

• The most "human" of the bunch, it feels like he'll try to really understand you.
• Knows your favorite manga and books and always ready with a recommendation. If you push him hard enough maybe he'll let you read stuff before street date?!
• Probably a "giver"

Cons:

• Unlike the other skeletons, he lacks an exciting "danger" factor
• Prone to stress
• I don't have a third con, he's a good guy

Recommendation: In a game of fuck-marry-kill, you marry Honda-san.

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This is the dumbest (best) thing I've ever written. (Twitter.)