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Forum - View topicVice & Luna - 04/04/2017
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MrTerrorist
Posts: 1348 |
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Damm youngsters. Not willing to do a little hard work.
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Shay Guy
 Posts: 2168 |
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Uh-oh. Having to work with anime without irony shields? Dangerous stuff there.
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Salomon Gomez
Posts: 4 |
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Full disclosure: I'm not the biggest fan of Vice and Luna, but I read it regularly for the chance to think through what does and doesn't work in webcomics, a medium I'm personally invested in. I know myself, and I'm not gonna stop, so I figured I might as well start "reviewing" these comics, 1) to help me work through those thoughts more thoroughly, and 2) on the off chance these critiques help the writer and editor. Today I'll be focusing on the four "narration panels," starting with "Fun Fairy Facts ..." and ending with "... for even a second." Let's begin!
1. Narration is clunky. This is a visual medium, just like anime, so "show, don't tell" is the rule to follow. It would've been preferable to introduce this information through dialogue leading up to the current development, but this also means if you can cut lines of narration out, you should. We'll be coming back to this a lot. 2. Cut "roughly" from "There are roughly three ...". You only show three reasons, so just say "there are three reasons." If there are more reasons later, use a cheeky "I forgot to mention" aside. 3. In panel one, use the art paired with character dialogue to make your point. I learn nothing by seeing bored-looking fairies casting a spell that you're not also telling me in the text. Possible alternative: show fairies donning outfits and have one of them say the glowing runes make up for it, maybe sheepishly; have the other fairy visibly frustrated and disagreeing. Bring your world to life; don't waste panels. 4. Panel two has the most detailed art but none of that detail "matters," because none of it relates to the narration. Also, since there's so much narration and it bookends the art the reader finishes reading and moves on, having already glanced at the art on their way to bubble #2 and realized it doesn't relate to the text. Your writing should complement the art, not the other way around. 5. Lines like "now's a good time to mention ..." should be cut. If it's a good time, just mention it; brevity is the soul of wit and art is finished when there's nothing left to remove, not nothing left to add. This also applies to smaller things; the word "that" can almost always be removed, and most of the time words like "very" and "not exactly" add nothing to the points being made. 6. Panel three is good. It might be improved by showing Luna frustrated, since the audience understands (for now) Vice to be a slacker and Luna to be driven, but that's subjective. 7. In the first narration box in the fourth panel you refer to fairies as "they," then "he or she," then "they" again. It's an unnecessary inconsistency. Just use "they" throughout. 8. The last narration box says the same thing twice. If you don't like either alone, spend more time coming up with a single sentiment you do like better. That's your job as a writer. This note applies elsewhere; if you just said fairies think magic is a pain in the ass, you wouldn't need to tell us they "hate" it; if "you or I" both feel primal passion for our work, there's no need to then tell us how often that is. You get the gist, which is to say, we do, too. I do hope any of the above helps; this was meant as a sincere, interested critique. In that context and on that note, I am still looking forward to seeing what happens next. Keep it up this time. |
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Zac
ANN Executive Editor
 Posts: 7912 Location: Anime News Network Technodrome |
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I actually really appreciate all this feedback. I'm working on the next batch of scripts right now - I'll take this advice seriously. Thank you for taking the time to read it. |
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Salomon Gomez
Posts: 4 |
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Hey, thanks! I'm glad to know my unsolicited advice wasn't unwelcome. Knowing that, I probably won't go as microscopic next time, but I'm also looking forward to the next installment even more. |
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Zac
ANN Executive Editor
Posts: 7912 Location: Anime News Network Technodrome |
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Haha, well, we write these 4 at a time and are currently 6 weeks ahead on production. The stuff I'm working on now won't show up until like June. I'm hoping in time we can turn this into something special, and I'll only be able to do that by listening to folks like you. Again, it's very appreciated - thanks. |
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